I don’t think I have been a jealous person most of my life…however motherhood seems to have changed that. I am very good friends with that green-eyed monster now. Every time I talk to any friends, single or married or with kids, and they talk about travel..I almost lose it. I get all teary eyed (which I hide very well), and get very jealous. Sometimes, like today, I chide myself that I am never satisfied – why do I always need more…though the truth is that outdoors is almost necessary for my sanity as food and sleep…
I enjoy being with my daughter a lot. However, motherhood, for me is at the cost of all the things which used to satisfy me and I used to enjoy. Landscape photography, hiking, climbing outside …. I miss the outdoors. A lot. Being out, away from civilization, doing my thing – I used to need this at least once a month before I used to go nuts. Well – I haven’t been out by myself for more than a year now… it is like a raw aching hole somewhere in me…and the sad part – I don’t know when and if this is going to change in the next few years.
Going into parenthood, I thought deep and hard if I could sacrifice all that I enjoy for my baby. I thought the answer was yes. Now, my answer is…maybe…I am not sure. Yes, I can function. yes, I look happy and sound happy..but that ache is just too hard to bear sometimes. Hanging out with my daughter helps. But when I am not around her, it is hard.
Don’t get me wrong – I am not miserable or depressed..I do go climb in the gym at lunch. I try to go to yoga classes. To provide an outlet to my energies, I guess I craft and write here…it all helps. I have a good life. But still there is that ache. Will I ever get to go out again?