Becoming More and Less


You are chugging along life, all happy and content. And then you become pregnant. All of a sudden there is a new life in you – though at this point you don’t really understand what this means.

As the pregnancy proceeds, you become bigger – both physically and somehow emotionally – though you don’t realize the emotional part then. Then at some point along, you realize that there is another soul, another being in you – who is somehow you and not you at the same time! You marvel at this, and adjust to being you and something more.

And then the baby comes. You are happy that this new being who is somehow you and not you is now out in the world – with full potential to become someone who is their own person. You are relieved to not have to share your body with someone else…but you mourn the loss of a part of you….How is this possible? That a part of you is forever lost – given away willingly and happily – to your baby…and you have become lesser – lesser than you ever used to be…

As the months pass by, you adjust to having your body to yourself again – but somehow there is this extra space  in your body and heart which used to be occupied by a part of you who is no longer with you. What do you do with this space?

Meanwhile, your life has undergone a seismic shift – you are coping day by day to the demands of the one who used to be you – but now is someone more than you…and your pour your attention and love to this new person. You revel in their being – the tiny toes, the innocence, the beauty. You do all you can to feed them, to love them, to keep them safe.

But in spite of all this, you are not whole…there is something missing…there is emptiness, there is a hole in your heart and your being. How do you fill this emptiness? You have become more, and then you became less…whats next? Does your baby help you learn to fill up again? Or is this a journey for the mother alone? To rediscover your identity and somehow become ‘just right’ again?

 

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